10 Fucking Years...

"If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose,
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss,
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done"

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned. It has been a long assed time since my last confession, err..blog.

So much has happened these past few weeks, I'm not even really sure where I should start...

I guess the biggest "milestone" was the passing of what would have been our 10th anniversary. It was really surreal. And almost tragic. It was like I had worked all those years to get to that big milestone, for what? Not a fucking thing.

Ok, I take that back - my two kids. They are the only reason I have any fondness left of what used to be my marriage. The Sunday before "A" day (Thurs, Aug 12th), I was hurting. I remember I was on my way back home from mom's, when somewhere in Troutman, the song we danced to for our first dance as man and wife came on. I had already been dreading that week - wondering if I was supposed to mourn our anniversary, or just simply see it as another day that had come and gone. Once that song came on, I fucking lost it. I mean, full on, screaming, sobbing, can't see the road in front of me, breakdown. But you know what? Thursday came and went with no tears from me.

No remorse. No looking back at those past 10 years. The "new" Amy is looking forward to the next 10 years...and whatever they might bring. No wondering "what if"? He made the decision to betray our family...and I can't sit around and try to make sense of it. I have to move forward. I have to be strong for my kids. I must continue to live my life for me and them. I'm no longer a wife. I don't see myself as married any longer - I see Amy, and I really like who she's become. She's a fighter. She's a mother. She's a friend, confidant, bitch and all round kick ass chick. Sometimes I wish I could wind back the clock and have found Amy a lot sooner...I guess she's been hiding all these years, but now's her time to shine.

I also want to quickly thank everyone that has been with me through all of this. You will never know how much your support, words of encouragement and willingness to listen have meant. I love you all dearly.