Another day

"I know there are no guarantees
In love you take your chances
But somehow it seems unfair to me
Look at the circumstances"

Last night was rough. I had a decent day yesterday - I felt like I could actually make it through all of this, but then came counseling. I get the fact that sometimes you need to reopen the wound for it to heal - but it fucking hurts. When I got back to the hotel after my session, I went to soak in the hot tub. It was relaxing for a minute, but my mind wouldn't stop racing. It was like I rehashed the last six years in the matter of an hour and a half, and I was mentally exhausted. Talking about it makes you realize all of the little signs and clues that maybe something wasn't perfect in our "happy" home. But that does nothing to excuse his shitty decision making. We go back tonight, together - I'm a ball of nerves just thinking about having to be in the same room with him. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to speak to him. I don't want him to see me vulnerable. I've told the counselor I don't want to discuss reconciliation - I want her to help us work out how we can be apart and what that entails. I want him to answer certain questions and quit making excuses. I agreed to go with him, because I want her to tell him that I'm done. I can say it till I'm blue in the face, but somehow, I don't think he gets it.

The quotes at the top of the posts are lyrics in songs that I'm finding really fit my mood. I'm finding that music is a release, and I've been listening to a lot of songs that I may have never stumbled across in the past, but seem to fit perfectly now. Screaming along with Godsmack's "I Fucking Hate You" has helped release quite a bit of pent up frustration that might otherwise be redirected towards his balls. Or face.