Finally ready to talk...

"Through sickness and health 'till death do us part
Those were the words that we said from our hearts
So now when you say that you're leaving me
I don't get that part"

Last Tuesday my world crumbled in around me. In the five minutes I took to search through a cell phone, the life I knew changed forever.

He had an affair. Not a one time deal either - a fucking one year relationship with another woman.

She said she loved him. He said it too, but said they were just words.

Bullshit.

I've asked myself so many questions since last week - and none have any answers that make sense to me. I can ask myself "why" day and night, and I'm still nowhere near understanding this craziness. I have cried. Cried so hard I thought I was going to puke. I have screamed. Screamed at the loss of my promises and dreams. I've entered into a world of unknowns because of the two of them. My head is full of words like, equitable distribution and criminal conversation. I never imagined someone could hurt me so badly and so completely.

Sitting at the doctor's office signing an HIV consent form to be tested was sobering - and angering. I've loved this man for almost 13 years and that's been reduced to an STD panel and a separation agreement. I can't begin to imagine what my life will be without him - but I know I can't and won't be put through this again. He has taken something so sacred and manipulated it into something vile and full of hate. I told him that I hate him. I have never told anyone that. I'm not sure that I truly do - because if I did, it wouldn't hurt so much, right?

I wouldn't be sitting in a hotel room wondering where I'll be in six months if he hadn't done this. He has destroyed my faith in him. In men. In marriage. In love.

I met with my counselor for the first time this evening. She tried to explain why men behave this way...I don't get that. Why the fuck do men get a free pass when it comes to their dicks? I understand where she's coming from - she's paid to save marriages. I'm paying her so that I can stay sane. I don't want to make up. I don't want him in my house and especially not in our bed. I'm paying her to talk me off my ledge - the ledge where I drive my ass to Georgia and kick the shit out of the bitch that broke up my marriage. I'm sorry - helped break up my marriage - let's not forget there's another key factor in that equation.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of feeling sick every time I eat something. I want peace. I want respect. I want normalcy.